dear mohammed

dear mohammed,

i keep seeing you around town. i want to ask "do you still keep in touch with judd and puck?" but that would be a little fan-girlish of me, right? i must admit that judd was my real world crush, but now that i look back on it, you and pedro were probably the cuter ones in the household. 1994 was so long ago and i had bad taste back then as an awkward 15 year old girl. it was a much simpler time, with no internet and lots of flannel. if only 2009 reality tv could be as good as the real world san francisco.

until next time..

mel

meh

random text

I'm going to start recording all of the random texts that I receive from people that I do not know.

Today:

"I'm having the fight at our house on Saturday around 7 and I'm throwing rocks bday party at yuns after. Boys dress like grandpas and goldiggers for the ladies! Hope to see you!!!"

Why Yes...

...that is a leopard print snuggie.

top 5 things i hate about facebook

1. people posting about their sexcapades in their updates that are blasted to everyone. really? i did not need to know that you had sex during your lunch break today. especially if you are related to me, which makes it double-gross.

2. friend-collectors. friend-collectors have no intention of interacting with you at all, they just want to increase their friend-count.

3. old-old-acquaintances. along the same lines as friend-collectors, but slightly different (although these people can fall into the same category). people you SORT of knew in junior high or elementary school. you barely recognize their face, and they want to befriend you again. other people that fall into this category are old acquaintances from high school who you really did not care for in h.s. but want to befriend you again. really? no thx.

4. people who take quizzes every day and post about mafia wars EVERY DAY. i do not need to know which my little pony you are or which weapon you need in mafia wars.

5. people who feel the need to make their cleavage their avatar on facebook. kthx, we got it. you have boobs.

this hipster kid

this hipster kid comes into my office once a week and she always makes my day.

drawrings

1st through 3rd grade

top 5 cures for getting over someone / a break up

5. Dance and sing along to J-Timb's "What goes around comes around" with friends. Couple this with secretly crying along to ABC's The Bachelorette.

4. Accidentally pour beer all over yourself, inhale it, snort it, all while celebrating your independence on the 4th of july at a keg softball match

3. Lose all of your money while playing blackjack up and down the strip in Vegas. Feel utterly depressed. THEN win your money back on your last night while playing the slots. The adrenaline rush alone is worth it.

2. Get fucking wasted with a co-worker at the Venetian while commiserating. Discover that they are going through a nasty divorce and realize that your problems are minuscule.

1. Snort lines of coke off of some hookers' asses in your posh hotel room. Keep the Roman shades up for full effect.

Beauty and Grace embrace me

I'm going to have all of this to myself very soon, all for the price of a Motel 6. I don't know whether to be happy about this or to shoot my brains out while fucking a hooker?

--------

Beauty and grace embrace you at The Venetian, a masterpiece of exquisite luxury and impeccable service. The 36-story Venetian hotel tower sets the standard for suites and upscale amenities.

* Approximately 1400 square feet
* 170 square foot Bathroom
* Double door entrance with all Italian marble foyer
* Powder Room off the entryway
* A plush king-sized pillow-top bed
* Egyptian cotton sheets and a 400 count wool throw
* One 32” flat-screen LCD HDTV in the Bedroom
* One 42” flat-screen plasma HDTV in the Living Room
* One 32” flat-screen LCD HDTV in the Dining Area
* Jetted tub with separate glass-enclosed shower
* Adjacent water closet with telephone
* Double sink vanity
* Bath amenities by Agraria San Francisco™
* Comfortable robes and oversized bath sheets
* Sunken Living Room
* Semi-formal dining area with seating for four
* Complete wet bar
* Full-sized sofa-sleeper (based on availability)
* Oversized coffee table and ottoman
* Private work area with:
- Dual-line telephone
- Wireless high-speed internet access
- Personal fax / printer / copier
* CD player / alarm clock
* Remote-controlled Roman shades and curtains
* Fully-stocked refreshment center
* In-suite safe

Deep Thoughts from a First Grader

My parents are moving, which means they are digging through all of my childhood crap that's been stored in the attic for years and are giving it to me to sort through. To my surprise, my mom kept all of my old art, report cards, journals, cabbage patch kids, books, awards, etc. Here are some excerpts from some old journals from 1st and 2nd grade. Perhaps I'll scan some old art stuff later (apparently I was really into drawing unicorns and the California raisins).

This year I plan to help my mom and dad and not my brother and be good at school. When I grow up going to be a artist and a nurse. I always have fun when I play with my frinds and ride my bike and color. On Halloween night I have to be carrful for strangers. I like November because we get to visit or famly. I wudent like to be a lizird because they look ugly. I helped keep my heart strong to excercice and eat food and don't take drugs. The world would be a better place if there wasint such thing as fire and strangers and drugs. The best movie I ever seen was Grimlins and Karatie kid part 1 and two and pewies big a vencher. If I had fifdie dollers I would bye a pet and a cabbig pach kid swing and stroller.

yesterday at art we made snowmans. if today wasin't school I would be playing at Tasha's. I like the man who plays the computer. My class mates like the way I run. I like to learn about Dinasaurs. The thing I like about Feb. is Valentines Day and going to the snow. It makes me sad when I get teased. I think its mean to get into somones lunch cause its not nice to do it. It makes me nurvice when I think about school. Today we might get a popcorn party and a vidieo. One time I got hurt when I fell down onto the glass and rocks and dirt. The nicest thing I did to someone was I played with them. I think the most importent class rule is to be a good student. I'm glad that we get 4 days off of school. Mrs. Moeller always gets mad when we do something bad if I was a teacher for a day I would be doing art. I would ask Abraham Lincoln is being a president fun. I wish school was over so I can go to my cousins house. I think the hardest job in the world is walking to school. If I had a day to do anything I wanted I would ride my bike and go to Toys' are us and I would get a tape called Friday the 13th. If I was taller I would reach the top shelf and touch the seeling and I would be the tallest one in my class. On the way to school today I saw a tracter. I wish school was over cause I could go spend the night at my friends house and we would have fun. I always have fun when I go over to my friends house to play and watch a movie and go to my grandma's and go to Disneyland and play soccer. This is what I think about steelling It is not nice to do It and the person who owns it will feel sad. Dogs probily get tired of walking and sleeping. My best friend does not like it when I kick the ball out of her hands. If I had a magic car I would want It to take me to the other side of the world. If the moon could talk I wonder if it could tell me how it is up there and how cold is it and is it fun up there. If I was a radio anounser I would tell the people that there was a tornado in canses and it would rain in Loomis and in Sacramento and Rosville. It is hard for me to be quiet cause everyone is talking to me. When rainbows disappear I think they go in the clouds. The first thing I'm doing when I grow up is go to the Dating Game. Rad.

Oh, and here's an excerpt from a teacher's aide who was apparently stocking me on the playground and observing me (wtf?):

Describe her relationshiop with the other children:
She was friendly. Intermingled with who ever was around her at the time. Liked Talking "silly" & laughing with others. Did a lot of imitating - if Casey drew funny & fast - she drew the same way, then they giggled! She only got upset with Robbie - they seem to "egg" each other on. [Note: Robbie was my preschool boyfriend]

Outdoor Play:
9:00 She enjoyed the jungle gym. Talked "silly" with the 2 other girls on it. Liked being on the top [that's what she said]. Was not afraid of the height. Swung by her knees. She talked about "going to the hospital." Was the leader of the girls with her. "Let's go to the play house now." Played happily with 5 other girls on the playhouse. Shared with Allison when she asked for more "dirt" Used the expression "I don't care - We don't care" a lot.

CONCENTRATION ZONE! (weird email from weird co-worker)

To: Staff
Subject: Don't poke the rattlesnake...

---

Hey, Guys! Most of you here in the Portland office no doubt have noticed that I keep my door closed a lot. Do not be discouraged! It just so happens that I'm very bad at tuning out noises (hence, my annoying propensity for eaves dropping & jumping into other people's conversations) and need to be in a more quiet space to do my work. Well, either that or I've got some tunes cranked and don't want to disturb others.

Anyway, for your convenience there is a sign in the window to the right of my door that says either "Welcome" on the bluish green side or "Concentration Zone" on the red side. Most of the time, the Welcome sign will be displayed and that means "Come on in!" For those of you that prefer color coding, just remember Green means Go! I will try to have the Welcome sign displayed most all of the time and you don't have to knock or worry about interrupting me--truly do just come on in.

On the other hand, if the Concentration Zone sign is up, please acknowledge that I am working on something so critical that I cannot be interrupted. Please DO NOT interrupt me when this sign is up--I promise that it will only be up if I really can't be disturbed. Red means Stop! Interrupting me at that time is the equivalent of attempting to poke a rattlesnake in the eye with a toothpick. Please feel free to check my calendar and send me an appointment request so we can get together at a different time to chat.

Thank you in advance for paying attention to the signage and do know that I truly enjoy talking with each of you and hope to do so often---just not when I'm in the Concentration Zone!

Have a Fabulous Weekend!

disturbing D;

just visited whythefuckdoyouhaveakid.com for the first time.

yao

Fuck It List

This list is inspired by the great Michael Ian Black, who came up with the concept of a Fuck it List, or a list of all the things I do not need to do before I die (the opposite of a Bucket List).

I'm starting on my Fuck It List now...

- Attend an opera
- Sky dive
- Participate in a marathon
- Gamble in Vegas
- Climb all the highest peaks
- Learn Japanese
- Watch Seinfeld
- Start my own company and join the Fortune 500 list
- Obtain Abs and Buns of Steel
- Join the mile high club
- Golf
- Read the entire bible
- Learn to belly dance
- Complete my PhD
- Teach a college class
- Compete in an 'iron man' competition
- ...

omg, secret city

was i the only kid in the 80's that was obsessed with commander mark and secret city? secret city was an educational drawing program that aired on pbs in the 80's. it was hosted by a crackhead named mark kistler, aka commander mark. holy shit, i totally forgot about this show until today. i could cry tears of nostalgia right now.

earth

"the earth is a very small stage in a vast cosmic arena."

urethra

come on, internet

dear internet,

why haven't you created a brilliant mash-up / phone prank / movie that pokes fun of these sounds clips from barack obama's audiobook version of dreams from my father? you're falling behind. don't make me do the dirty work for you.

“There are white folks, and then there are ignorant motherfuckers like you.” (MP3)

“You ain’t my bitch, nigga! Buy your own damn fries!” (MP3)

“This shit’s getting way too complicated for me.” (MP3)

“Sure you can have my number, baby!” (MP3)

“Blam!” (MP3)

toto

Noah: I was texting with a friend of mine last night
and instead of saying totes for totally I said toto

me: omg, i love that more!

Noah: I know
it's gret

me: toto gret!

secsies

i'm addicted to coining words on urban dictionary.

click here for the definition of secsies.




p.s. random question: is it weird that i always put on my fancy socks when i go to the crotch doctor? no need to answer that, i know it's weird.

my dick

having a bad work day? this song is guaranteed to jump start your day and put a smile on your face.

it's also been scientifically proven to temporarily lift the unemployment blues. 9 out of 10 scientists recommend listening to this song in the morning.

listen here

my new hat

hope?

we went through hell just to get to hell

this is probably the saddest thing anyone has ever said to me:

"that's okay, melinda. i didn't starve in concentration camp and i won't starve here. my name is [name removed for privacy purposes] and i always tell the truth."

- said by 90 something year old woman who has dementia and is convinced people aren't feeding her (when in reality she forgets that she's had food).

it got me thinking about how our memories are stored in our brain. why is it that people with dementia or alzheimers can remember very detailed things about the distant past but they can't remember that they ate 5 minutes ago? sadly, the concentration camp thing is true, but the current belief that she's starving in the care facility is not. you'd think that she would be sad about this, but she said in her cute accent that she feels very peaceful here (and that she's not worried about starving). we looked at pictures of her adopted granddaughter to take her mind off of the non-existent food.

/random post

best news ever

i just found out that we are working with a school in california called, get this, arnold schwarzenegger elementary school. how jealous am i of those kids at arnold schwarzenegger elementary school? let me put it this way -- i ranked kindergarten cop 5 stars on the netflix scale, and i don't dole out those high ratings too often.

re: deathversary

let it be known that i have officially coined the term deathversary on urbandictionary.com. you can view the definition here:

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=deathversary

deathversary

i actually think of tomorrow as her deathversary, but i suppose that technically it's today. perhaps at this very minute at this very hour, who knows. all i know is that january 4th was the worst day ever. and i don't feel like sharing that story.

rest in fucking peace, n fucking j. i drink in your honor tonight, sans smoke.

social networking

i told myself i would never join facebook. it was the last frontier in social networking that had been left unexplored by me. friends begged and pleaded, co-workers asked me everyday if i had joined. my reply was always "oh HEllll no" because i felt content being an elitist. well, my friends, it seems 2k9 has turned a new leaf for melinda. i found out that my dad had joined facebook and i simply could not allow him to be more advanced in social networking than myself. so yesterday i buckled down, wiped away a tear, and joined this strange new world. we'll see how long this lasts.